November 19, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S
RONICLE 13
evening'sout
Men's adoption saga is lighthearted, but serious
The Kid
(What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Got Pregnant)
An Adoption Story
by Dan Savage
Dutton, $22.95 hardcover
Reviewed by Jeff Woodard
What do you get when you sign a lucrative book deal, and have nothing to write about? A bouncing baby boy.
Then you write about him.
That is, if you're Dan Savage. And if the nationally syndicated sex-advice columnist's penchant for honesty is any indication, he'll be a fine father figure.
In his new book, Savage weaves an entertainingly poignant tale of two male homosexuals adopting a baby in the still-sometimes-not-all-that-gay '90s.
an adoption stary
pened without the book deal, and the book deal happened without the adoption, I can't say that the book deadline didn't move the adoption deadline up just a tad," Savage candidly says.
So the journey begins. Countless six-hour round trips between their Seattle home and the Portland adoption agency. Jumping through hoops. Untangling red tape. Wondering how two gay men would be received as potential parents. Drawing a striking analogy between infertility and homosexuality, Savage and Miller find "common ground" with their heterosexual parental hopefuls.
Dan Savage
"Straight couples were encouraged to accept what they could not change," Savage writes. "In time, they'd see their problems as a 'blessing.' It was important to tell parents and friends the truth, even if they might not understand at first."
AN SAVAGE
The story begins simply. Savage meets Terry Miller. They fall in love. They open up: Dan: "You need to know I'm thinking about having kids.”
Terry: "I love kids."
Suddenly, a brainstorm: Write about the adoption.
An idea was born. A son would soon follow.
"Although the adoption would have hap-
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Noting that gay men and lesbians don't have children by accident ("It's hard to get drunk one night and do an adoption, or slip and fall into the stirrups at an artificial insemination clinic"), Savage makes a convincing argument: People— gay, straight, bi; white, black or pink-willing to put themselves through the emotionally grueling adoption process will likely raise a well-adjusted, wanted, loved child.
Also anticipated were certain, uh, lifestyle changes for the fathers-to-be. "Probably neither of us would have a good oldfashioned big-gay-slut phase again," Savage writes. "Could I be honest about these experiences (past promiscuity, drug use), treasure their memory, and still be a good parent? I thought so."
99
The Call comes on a Saturday morning, hours after the conclusion of a "boys night out." Badly hung over, all Savage can think is, "I have more women's underwear in the house from when I used to do drag than I have baby clothes."
The Call was to have taken several months. It came in a few weeks. A wayward, 20-yearold Portland "gutter punk” named Melissa is seven months pregnant. Homeless by choice, a panhandler by trade, the unwed mother-tobe acknowledges a history of teen drinking and drug use. What does that mean for the boy she will soon deliver? After a stretch of
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worrisome days, sleepless nights and research sessions on fetal alcohol syndrome, Savage and Miller decide: We want this baby. Regardless.
The Kid is ultimately a testament to optimism, to believing that things happen for a reason. Learning that Melissa admires her father and despises her mother, Savage says
"I have more women's underwear in the house from
when I used to do drag than I have baby clothes.”
"maybe Melissa picked us for her baby because we were both men, and that's what appealed to her."
Still, he can't kick the urge to have the "Are-you-sure-you-don't-mind-your-sonbeing-adopted-by-two-gay-guys?" talk with Melissa. Miller enlightens him. “She's giving us her baby. I think that's a good indication that she likes us, Dan. She saw our picture, she read our home study, she met us. She knows we're gay. The end."
Uh, well, not quite.
Melissa's attitudinal malaise "I don't care" and "Whatever" being her favorite replies, regardless of the question-only
weaken the eggshells Savage and Miller tread on as prospective parents. Making the right moves and saying the right things are difficult if you can't tell what someone is feeling. Sure, we know that in the end, the guys get the baby. But suspense never takes a break.
Still, the "essentials" are agreed on expeditiously: Savage and Miller secure and pay for housing for Melissa during her final two months of pregnancy; and this will be an open adoption, with the baby growing up knowing and receiving visits from his birth mother.
As the apprehension of "transition" day grows, little Daryl Jude (Daryl for Miller's deceased father; Jude for Savage's mother, Judy) provides a light moment by showering his sense of humor on Daddy Dan during a diaper change. “Usually, guys who want to do that buy you a drink first," Savage replies.
That laughs were in short supply the day the daddies took D.J. home was no surprise. "Nobody warned us about the moment when you pick the baby up and walk out of the room, leaving the birth mom sobbing in her bed," Savage says.
The Kid flourishes on multiple levels. Partly an attack on conservative values, somewhat lighthearted love story and occasionally angst-ridden tale, Savage blends entertaining portions of pathos and humor certain to satisfy readers who relish a true appreciation for "family."
Jeff Woodard is a Chronicle contributing writer living in Cleveland.
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